grading the hate mail

Good morning, kids!

It's been a busy month. Faire season has started, and the last three weeks have been rather given over to jamming two months' worth of preparation into days. I hadn't been planning on working, but I decided to help some friends out with their fruit stand booth, on Sundays.

Work at Saltmine U. continues much as it ever does. The rumblings about the state budget have people worried. So my fellow Californians -- please vote to spend some money on education.

But now, onto the real subject of this blog post -- my morning's hate mail! Let's grade it together, shall we? Today's contestant is, who wrote in with this:

Flaunting your cleavage neither makes you popular nor does it give

you personality. Stop trying to conform to the media's expectations

of modern women and get a grip, you first-rate cunt.

Do us all a favour and go fuck yourself, you pouting quim bag :-)

First: I have no idea who the sender is, which is a bit odd. My hate mail usually comes from people I know, which, well, makes sense, as to really incite someone's ire, they need to know me. Unless my powers have grown beyond all measure, that is… I'm going to guess it's a man, as a woman would've decided to take a crack at my weight, if they wanted to hit below the belt. Also, for a woman, they sure care an awful lot about my naughty bits. Probably some man who was randomly searching, ran across one of my blog posts, and decided to try to take me down a notch or two to teach me a lesson. -5 points for anonymity.

'Flaunting my cleavage' -- It's very obvious this person has never met me, as if they had, they'd know that not even in my blog's bio photo, where I'm wearing a corset, am I flaunting cleavage. In that shot, which ostensibly is the one referred to, only about 20% of my breasts' total surface area is visible. (Yes, I'm well aware that I have breasts larger than most people's heads, thanks. Not news. There's a reason I've been asked to model corsets, okay?) If you want to see some photos where I'm truly flaunting my cleavage, you can try to find the sold-out charity calendars I posed nude for. Is it a flattering shot? Sure is. But flaunting? Naah. -10 points for being off the mark.

'…neither makes you popular nor does it give you personality.' Oh, honey, I have more than enough personality already, thanks. If I cared about being popular, I'd actually try to do things that made me so in other people's eyes. Art direction isn't a career that's a fast track to fame and fortune, you know? And I'm mystified by the connection that's being made, here -- where am I saying that showing my breasts will make me popular and give me personality? That's only in your own head, bucko. Lay off the Girls Gone Wild videos. -10 points for being off the mark again, but +5 for correct usage of 'neither/nor.'

'Stop trying to conform to the media's expectations of modern women…' Omigod! Let me put down my issue of Vogue and interrupt my busy schedule of shopping and lunching! Oh noes, I'm not conforming to the media! Sheesh. Two words for you, pal: armpit hair. The only time that gets mentioned in the media is to suggest I remove it before I die a horrible lonely death because it's repelling men. (And, really: 'modern women'? As opposed to women of days of yore?) Have I slipped into some strange alternate universe in which I'm actually conforming to the media's expectations of women? Wait, let me check… Nope. Still have hips wider than some postal codes. Still not wearing much makeup. Still am unabashedly an unshaven hippie, dirt-chomping druid, and geek. If this is trying to conform, I'd hate to see what happens when I don't make an effort. -10 points for being off the mark again.

'…get a grip, you first-rate cunt.' Get a grip on what, exactly? Reality? Your cock? I'm not the one who has only a nodding acquaintance with reality, apparently. And by the way -- my cunt is most definitely first-rate, but you'll never get to find that out for yourself. Try to live with the disappointment. +5 points for the unintended compliment.

'Do us all a favour and go fuck yourself, you pouting quim bag :-)' 'Us' -- would this be the royal 'us'? Am I lucky enough to be insulted by royalty? Or shall I assume there are people who share your sentiment? Well, there are certainly people who'd happily pay good money to have me fuck myself, if they got to watch. So… okay, fair enough. But 'pouting'? I don't pout. Oh, wait! That must be me conforming to the media's expectations of women again, by going around pouting to get my way! 'Quim bag,' though -- that's inventive as well as British; well done. And oh, a smiley emoticon at the very end of the email! That makes it all better, of course! +5 for the inventive insult, +5 for Commonwealth slang and spelling.

From a total possible score of 100, this gets: 85/B+

Thanks for playing, and try harder next time!